Notes — JILLIAN ADEL

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i like to think about the way you told me I looked like a picture
pointing to a goddess in the stars on the wall of the cosmic coffee shop inside the temple of everyone’s worst sins with bad branding
for a night that felt, to me,
like the thread of our light turned to smoke
tangled in a ball of tarred hair,
something the plumber would’ve pulled out of my shower,
it was the most beautiful thing you’ve ever said to me.

FORBIDDEN PRAYER

i tried to talk to you today
through pleasure fluids vibrating in cosmic rainbow
in the same spot i told you “not today” not that long ago.

THE STAG + THE HAWK: INITIATION

it took me so long to realize
the way you held me down by the mouth
in mornings darkened by our own personal dawn
was the mark of the earth,
dirt beast of dream lives.

DREAM FOR US

your loving was never here is my only place in a white box altar of you prayers we told on the couch…

A PRAYER FOR ONENESS

born into twilight they made darkness so that we could be light…

ÉDES ÁLMOKAT

Push start
Inch forward
“This car was built to run”
she told herself…

I DON'T GO ANYWHERE ALONE ANYMORE

Coming back to me at the concert
During the song
I bought a single ticket, but I didn’t realize I don’t go anywhere alone anymore…

LOVE AS PLEASURE

Love, as space. Love, as absence. Love as boundary, boundary as invitation. Love as grief, and grief again, because you refuse to shut your heart down as long as it’s beating…

TUESDAY

One day soon, we’ll dance too close, let the sweat drip on my tongue.
Soon, we’ll arrive. Shiny, not to cover what we are, but to scream what we cannot in the daylight…

DUST

There’s a very specific moment when you realize that the vision you had for your future is now
Dust….

UNTITLED (MAY 2020)

How does your hand feel on my neck, hot. My shoulder wants to guard it like a warrior, up to the ear. The bear warms it until it’s moldable…

A DAY AT THE BEACH

days are different now
one big waiting room
at your therapists office
how are you?

UNTITLED (APR 2020)

Why—
If everyone is pinned to their homes Touch Starved

Why—
If texting until three is the same as making out at two

NEW YEARS GREETINGS (2020)

I crave the rawness in you.
The more of you that hides behind the rest of you.
The wall you tried to resurrect but I saw through,
Blistering and bubbling with truth.

PRAYING ON A STREET CORNER IN BROOKLYN

The quiet loneliness of my 20s was almost sacred when I think of how I worshipped Escape.
Stumbling into the happy hour,
Stumbling into the bar where I knew no one and acted like I didn’t care…

UNTITLED (OCT 2019)

As she stood in front of him
Loving
Every one of the hers that loved before stood in a line waiting to ask “Why?”

SUNRISE

my anxieties wrap around me like a too-warm blanket.
my eyes closed too-tight with the windows too-shut.

CHAOS HIDES

Driving home from a moment with her, unplanned, I had the money to eat a meal that was once saved for special occasions
Or lunch specials only because it was cheaper that way.

PHOENIX

HEAVY HIGH

My head spins with you in my mouth
In my heart, I soften.
My brain wraps around you
And around you
And around you

HER VISION WAS NEVER THE SAME

They make us feel like heartbreak is normal, like abandonment is so normal that everyone has experienced it, or will.

THE FUNCTION OF FAMILY

She threw the blinds open
Brightness spilling into the room we all shared
I yelled & she yelled back,
Bratty and rude
like a sister

BODIES DON'T FORGET

There are worlds inside of us that only make sense when we remember how bad things used to be. We could go years, decades not remembering, but feeling a part of ourselves, not understanding it, feeling confused and lonely for it.

NEW YEARS 2019

I struggle for the words to wish you well without the words to tell you that you have everything you need to give it to yourself.
I’d like to cheer for you, but I see you clearly on the field, ready and in uniform, pleated skirt, jumping in time for your team.

CASTLES

they said we could be anything as they crashed their tax evasion into the high rise of our bank accounts.
they told us stories of the castles of our future, birthright to be better than they were.

HIM THREE

I don’t not remember the self-inflicted nausea of my early twenties that I blamed on everyone but me.
Hardened sandbags strapped to my sides, fastened with T3 text messages that I sent 3 hours ago.
You never replied.

HIM ONE

Child like romance crushing the kid in me. I held your angst, stacked stones on my mule back, aged as quickly as I was a teen.

NEW YEARS 2018

Hey.
Hey you.
I see you over there in the corner
Exhausted and gasping for breath
Wind smacked and back punched with all of the life out.

WARM HUSH

Can you tell me what it's like
To be open
To crack open
To twist and rub your oil-coated insides until something turns you over?

BEDFORD

I didn’t believe them when they told me that Bedford was Soho now until I saw the verdant glow of the upscale grocery store looming above the corner that exhales the smoke notes of my twenties.