i tried to talk to you today
through pleasure fluids vibrating in cosmic rainbow
in the same spot i told you “not today” not that long ago.
long enough for me to convince myself i forgot your face,
your dark curls that you never loved as much
even though they were how i knew you to be mine.
the Mother Tree outside front window is bare now.
a clock, i can't believe that you haven't been here this long
to watch her leaves fall.
i wonder if you'll see them spring again or ever.
i opened forbidden folder,
Dropbox of deleted Me's and You's.
i squinted at your smile,
almost surprised that you were real.
how did these photos get here?
what reality blessed me with you?
i made it a spiritual experience.
looking close for signs of what came next
moments at your shows,
witnessing your gift
at birthday surprise pasta and pinball
"wear one of those nice button downs" i said
dressing you up like the man i knew you wanted to be,
like you felt like you were in my presence
but didn't believe behind the doors of the drinking and blackouts
and confused bar tabs
and shirts you woke up in and didn't recognize.
i looked for the clues that you cared,
that you believed us,
if even for a weekend.
i took a bath.
i'm two plus weeks clean from views online of you
i'm told I'm meant to be blind to
washed behind my ears,
alcohol free
forgot to shave,
my vape maintains.
addictions can't come out in the wash
how are your stains?
i am ashamed that i still scroll to hear others speak of not you.
i am tuned well like a radio at a new frequency
knowing better after you came to me in a dream
prison released,
speaking to me way too logically.
i cried as honestly as I am now,
loving parts of you you haven't even discovered yet
parts of you i knew too well for the both of us.
you cum to me in visions,
a blessed meeting in front of Mother Tree.
but when you go,
i'm reminded of when I said “it's over”
a blessing i hope to see is in disguise in divine time.
praying faith for a vibration that is high.